One of our Hume Weir Trips (aka Empress of Scum)

28 02 2008

Ok, to kick start this Blog we have going here, I’m going to throw up a little something i wrote close to over 6 or so months ago, namely, what i wrote in regards to one of our trips to the Hume Weir. Unfortunately, i didn’t finish what i started at the time, and the . While i do have a fairly good idea of what happened, my memory seems to obviously fail me, as i do not belive we had a swash buckling tournament followed by a steel cage match while we were staying at the farm. So i will be marking the point at which i stopped writing all those months ago, and anything after that point will be subject to factual errors and plain outright lies. If i got something wrong, point it out so i can laugh at you.


Now, The feature presentation……………….



After much goading from various people (Jamie and Davo), I’ve finally sat down to write about the weekend at the Weir. I looked into the glowing monitor and thought about where should I start. Should I talk about how we played Poker, or should I start with Chucky D (aka Shakthi) breaking the Fellowship of the Room. Suddenly, I realized the best place to start: when Vanessa’s Birthday Cake, which was in a box (I didn’t know it was a birthday cake at the time) fell from my hands, only to be caught by those very same hands seconds later (note: never dropped the cake!).
“Shit” I said under my breath as I steadied myself. I hoped to dear god that no one noticed my slip up. I looked up from the cake and the whole world went into slow motion. Carlie, who was walking only a few meters in front of me, had begun to turn around. She looked angry. Unfortunately, the slow motion ended and Carlie stood facing me like a giant snake, ready to pounce
“Did you drop the cake!” she said in a hissing voice. I stood there like a deer looking into oncoming headlights. The word cake rang through my head like a bell.
“Uh, no” I said, regaining my composure.“It fell-”
She glared at me
“-And I caught it.”
She glared at me for a few seconds, then snatched the cake from my hands.
“You ruined Vanessa’s Birthday Cake!” she steamed as she placed the cake in the car
“It’s her birthday?” I gasped, finally realizing the extent of my screw up. Again I stood there like a deer in headlights as I contemplated the consequences of my actions. People walked by me carrying various boxes, which were placed in the trailer attached to the car. Suddenly Rowan was telling me to grab one end of a greenish tarp that had been pulled out of nowhere. I helped/hindered Rowan as we covered the trailer with the tarp. Still worrying about the cake, I sat in the backseat of the car and waited for someone to start driving. Carlie and Paul jumped in with me, then a few minutes later Davo jumped into the drivers seat and started the car and began our long journey .

I began to fall in and out of a dreamy state, hearing various snippet of the conversation that was going on. It kind of went like this:
“-Then I got thrown off the bike ……….. There is a lot of abuse in the book…….I looked up at my teacher and said ‘hello Mrs Cudmore’.”
Suddenly, we stopped. I blinked a few times and looked around. It was dark everyone was getting out of the car. Using my amazing deduction skills, I realized that there must be a reason everyone was vacating the car and leapt out after them. As I stood on the sidewalk, someone (their name escapes me) asked me if I was cold, as I was wearing a button up shirt and cargo shorts.
“No” I replied. “ So what are we doing here anyway?” I ask no one in particular.
“Food” someone said. People were heading to a fish and chip shop, so using my aforementioned deduction skills, I realized we were going to have dinner.

I walked in and the first thing I noticed was an old man with white hair standing over a fryer. I got large dose of Déjà vu as I saw the old man, but I couldn’t quite figure out why. Carlie wandered into the shop seconds later and said
“Hey, that looks like Mr Barker from school.”
The Déjà vu disappeared as soon as I got a good look at the old guy’s face though. I wandered into the shop, still slightly dazed from the car trip. I stood next to the counter and watched as people grabbed drinks from the fridge. Once more, my deduction skills kicked in and I realized I didn’t have to pay so I grabbed a Red Bull to pep me up. I stood there gulping the stuff down when someone asked me what I wanted to eat.
“Huh?” I muttered as I turned around. It was Davo.
“Um…..” I began as I looked at the chalkboard menu up on the wall. “I dunno”
“Come on, you must want something?” she asked
I stood there desperately trying to think of what I wanted to eat. It was like I was under interrogation. My brain just went into complete lock down.
“Do you want a burger?” Davo asked.
“Yeah, ok” I answered, latching onto the offer. I sat down at a table and whipped out my Pink Nintendo DS. The nature of my DS has garnered many a question from both the inquisitive and the annoying, but I really cant help doing things like buying weird stuff. I sometimes think the pinnacle of this weirdness might be the fairy poster on my bedroom door. Eventually, Davo and Chris came over and sat down with me. As Davo was from the inquisitive portion of humanity (Who knows what side Chris is on) I gave her a quick rundown of the Nintendo DS’s touch screen capabilities. Obviously, Carlie was from the annoying side, as the first thing she questioned when she saw the DS was the colour.

Soon, our food came; I was expecting a sad shadow of a true burger, with half a leaf of lettuce, a drop of tomato sauce, a slice of cheese and a low quality beef patty. I got the complete opposite. This mammoth of a burger had 4 giant slices of beetroot, 3 giant slices of tomato, a handful (by my hand, which is large) of onion, a big bunch of lettuce, delicious cheese and a beef patty to rival any other burger. And it came with a side of chips. It looked like i was being served a mountain. I asked Chris, who had payed for all of this, about how much this cost
“The burger cost 4 dollars” he replied. I was shocked. This place had just got a customer for life. Happy with our meals, we left and jumped into the car for what I guessed (correctly, I might add) would be the last leg of our journey.

I had fallen into the aforementioned dreamy state fairly quickly. As my head leaned against the window, it rhythmically bumped against the window in a way that felt extremely nice.
“OH MY FUCKING GOD!” someone screamed. I jerked awake, fearing the worst, thinking that the shit had hit the fan and gone through the roof. It was Carlie.Again. I tried to make out what she was saying, I could barely understand, she was having some kind of one sided yelling match with Davo,
Davo seemed to be forming a reply when Carlie leaned out the window
“IM GONNA BE AUSTRALIAS NEXT TOP MODEL!” she screamed to as we drove by. This went on for quite a bit, I got bored and fell back into my dreamy state until we arrived at a farm, owned by a man named Frank, at around 9-ish.

“Where’s the cake” Carlie hissed to me as we unpacked the car. I shivered. this was going to get bad quickly. it was too dark to see anything clearly, so Carlie stood by the car until the cake was found, and whisked it inside.


We went inside and everyone was introduced to Frank. Frank is pretty cool. I like him, but there was one thing I thought that was weird about him. I could never, and I mean NEVER figure out if he was mucking around or being serious. If he wanted, he could be one hell of an actor. Eventually, everyone ended up in the lounge room.




OK, time to see how well my memory serves me. Seriously, sorry if i screw up:




When we had all settled down, Frank launched into a welcome speech, then food and drink was brought out. I caught Carlies eye for a second. She looked like the devil incarnate. looking away, i concentrated my cup. I knew what was going to happen. I was going to ruin Vanessa’s birthday. They were going to bring out the cake, open it up , and find the disgusting monstrosity that was put in the cakes place. Carlie would then jump up and accuse me of murder, and i would be hung drawn and quartered. i was literally shaking. The cake was brought out in its box with much fanfare. This did little to ease my fears. Chris opened the box.


THE CAKE WAS OK!!!!!!!!!!


In fact, Everyone was amazed at how it looked. I gave Carlie a smug look. I had just escaped certain doom. After eating the exquisite cake, Chris and Vanessa took their child (who’s name escapes me, im so sorry!) and went to bed, while the rest of us stayed up and had extremely rousing game of Poker. Playing with matchstick’s, i managed not only to make a matchstick Skyscraper with my winnings, I also managed to win a man slave, namely Kurtis, who i still own to this day.


Eventually, we all retired to our bedrooms. for the guys, this meant 6 of us jammed into a single room.This would prove to be disastrous, as the smell of 6 burly men farting all night can take its toll on ones soul. that morning, i was one of the first to wake, and i wandered out to the kitchen, where Frank was sitting.

“Would you like some coffee?” he asked me

I smiled ” Could i have two cups please, i usually have a short black and a flat white in the morning”

“Make it yourself” Frank replied.

What i didn’t know at this time was Frank was only mucking around, in a way that only Frank can. He made me some coffee and we talked about the interviews we would be conducting that day. Eventually everyone was waken up and people began running around trying to get everything ready for the first interview. The first interview was with Ray (note: sorry, i don’t know if this is his name) , an old farmer who had been working in the Hume Weir for a looong time (don’t remember how long). the entire crew was there, sitting around listening to Ray talk about his life. I had the luck to be landed with the job of (Note: forgot the name , writing down everything of interest Ray says and then noting the time). and I’m thankful, because if i didn’t have that job, i would never have stayed around till the end of the interview.


Unfortunatly, due to technical difficulties and my own inability to write about things i don’t remember quite well, i’ll have to stop there.I did write more, but it was just plain awful. Seriously, i was murdering the english language trying to write about it. It was not a pretty picture. I’ll have another go at this later. ATLEAST WE HAVE SOMTHING UP 🙂




2 responses

28 02 2008


6 03 2008

that was awsome and i loved it lol
so u did drop the cake!!!!

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